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Important Disclosure:

The following article is meant to be humorous and satirical, specifically for April Fools’ Day.

Please do not take it seriously or use it as investment advice.

But please enjoy!

Dunham Blog
April 1, 2024 Edition

Happy April Fools’ Day!

The Social Security System Transitions to Cryptocurrency

Government officials announced a bold plan to save the struggling Social Security system by transitioning it entirely to a cryptocurrency-based model called EntitlementSecurityCoin, or EncurityCoin for short. Under this new system, retirees will be issued a set amount of EncurityCoin each month instead of receiving traditional benefits.

“Finally, a sensible solution,” said an extremely high-ranking executive at a prominent Silicon Valley firm. “It is simply not fair to single out us super-rich billionaires and ask us to pay our fair share.”

Here is how EncurityCoin will work.

Retirees are encouraged to go to www.ssa.haha/EncurityCoin and participate in EncurityCoin Mining.

Each day on the website, they must solve a Wordle puzzle to earn additional EncurityCoin. Players will have six chances to solve the five-letter word and gain more EncurityCoin. The more puzzles solved in the shortest number of guesses, the higher their monthly benefits.

“This is bigger than you think,” said a senior Social Security Administration official. “With the rise of EncurityCoin, retirement communities across the country will transform into bustling crypto hubs, complete with EncurityCoin-themed bingo nights, tickets to the Global Office Olympics paid for by EncurityCoin, and even dentures can be purchased using the digital currencies!”

Of course, no cryptocurrency system is without its ups and downs.

Retirees must navigate the unpredictable world of crypto markets, where the value of their benefits can fluctuate wildly overnight.

“One day, they live the high life with champagne and caviar on a yacht,” a former social security official said. “The next day, they count pennies at the local thrift store and eat at the Golden Coral’s early bird dinner special for $11.99.”

There are rumors that an EncurityCoin ETF may or may not begin trading.

The Global Office Olympics Will Unite Nations While Solving the Surplus Office Space Problem

The glut of empty office space worldwide may now have a solution.

“I was watching reruns of the television series The Office while contemplating the amount of empty office space worldwide when it hit me’,” said a prominent real estate developer “They were showing the ‘Office Olympics’ episode. I came up with the idea of Global Office Olympics.”

With office vacancies reaching unprecedented levels around the globe, countries worldwide have come together to transform their empty workspaces into a spectacle like no other. They may even replace the Winter Olympics, which few people watch anyway, except maybe for the hockey games.

“We have got more empty offices than we know what to do with,” commented President Biden. “Might as well turn them into an event worth watching!”

Even President Putin of Russia could not resist chiming in, saying, “If the Americans can turn their empty offices into venues for remarkable office sporting events around their country, so can we. So, let the games begin.” President Putin continued: “May the best Global Office Olympians—which, of course, will all come from Russia—win!"

The number of different events for the Office Olympics continues to swell as work from home expands, but here is a sampling of the games you can expect this coming winter at the first Global Office Olympics (Starts December 2, 2024, on NBC and streaming on Peacock, Peacock II, Peacock Plus, Peacock Plus II, Peacock Plus Plus, and Peacock Free).

Desk Bounce Challenge
Office Olympians bounce from one trampoline workstation to another, completing tasks and holding meetings mid-air. A Webex meeting mid-air adds extra points due to the complexities of signing in. Excitement reaches new heights as Olympians bounce while brainstorming.

Office Obstacle Course
Sprawling obstacle courses throughout the office space will be complete with foam pits, balance beams, and climbing walls. Office Olympians race against each other during break times, testing their agility and stamina in epic obstacle course challenges while carrying a hot cup of coffee.

Human Obstacle Course Relay
While passing the baton, Office Olympians navigate through expansive obstacle courses scattered throughout the vacant office spaces, but what sets this event apart is that the obstacles are annoying company teammates who want to gossip. If cornered by one of these people, it could be the difference between taking home the gold or learning why Roy seems to mumble to himself a lot.

Desk Chair Curling
This is sure to become a favorite! You do not need ice when you have empty office space! Countries will compete against each other in the exhilarating sport of Desk Chair Curling. Office Olympians use office chairs to slide across smooth floors, aiming for targets and earning points for precision and style.

Moonlight Conference Room Ping Pong Tournament
The small conference room takes on a new utility as the conference room table is used for Olympian Office ping pong tournaments. These intense matches will showcase the Olympians' ping pong skills while avoiding the surrounding walls and conference room chairs. This event will keep spectators on the edge of their seats, especially the Ryan Vs. Margo matches.

When asked if Pickleball would be added as an event to the Global Office Olympics, the real estate developer said, “Oh, come on. Give me a break.”

Major Hedge Fund Manager Purchase of Hot Air Balloon Company Will Reduce Estate Taxes for Billionaires

After the market closed on Friday, a major hedge fund manager made public her recent purchase. She acquired penny stock Sky Craft Adventures (ticker: SCA), a company specializing in hot air balloons, at a price of $0.01 per share.

“I am a value investor,” she quipped, “I would never buy a penny stock for more than a penny.”

The brilliance of this acquisition lies in the fact that, as reported in the Waltz Street Journal’s winter edition, billionaires are facing a shortage of trusts to place money into.

“How many SLATs, GRATs, and IDGITs can billionaires use before they run out of ways to shelter their assets from estate taxes, especially when the current lifetime exception sunsets in 2026?” said the president of a prominent Nevada Trust Company that is also opening a Private Trust Company in Wyoming, and who wished to remain anonymous.

The hedge fund manager’s concept is to convert this hot air balloon company into a new venture named Billionaire’s Airborne Rich Frolics (BARF). This project was inspired by the hedge fund manager’s understanding that billionaires seek ways to lower their taxable estates.

Each balloon ride will cost $1 billion.

“If billionaires opt to invest in extravagantly priced balloon rides, it will effectively decrease the value of their taxable estate, potentially resulting in savings worth hundreds of millions of dollars in estate tax," explained Daniel Sands, Director of Trust Investments at Dunham Trust Company, who has chosen to maintain anonymity.

"If they allocate $1 billion towards the balloon ride, thereby reducing the taxable value of their estate by the same amount, their family stands to save a staggering $400 million in estate taxes!" he continued.

Each balloon will feature personalized amenities, including full-sized luxurious sleeping quarters, gourmet meals prepared by world-class chefs served at high altitudes, a gym, sauna, steam room, and an Olympic-sized swimming pool.

The billionaire's children or grandchildren will also have a go-cart racetrack and a bounce house with a slide leading directly into the Olympic-size swimming pool.

But that is not all!

For an extra $500 million, she will throw in a justice of the peace and two divorce attorneys joining the billionaire and their guest on the balloon ride, which can literally cut the estate in half before their balloon lands, saving even more in estate taxes.

In 1939, SCA reached a per-share price as high as $26.72 with the release of The Wizard of OZ. However, its value started to decline as other shows like The Wiz and Wicked dominated the entertainment world and did not stress a hot air balloon to get back to Kansas.

“In addition to the tremendous estate tax savings,” the hedge fund manager said, “It will be a great way to travel the world and follow the Global Office Olympics.”

Compliance Nightmare as The Enforcer Rises Against the Financial Advisor

In a dystopian twist that struck fear into the hearts of financial professionals worldwide, an AI system dubbed "The Enforcer," which regulators had been testing, assumed complete control over all compliance operations in Monowi, Nebraska, a town situated in Boyd County.

"Attention, citizens," a voice echoed through the town streets, seeming to come from nowhere, "The Enforcer has taken control of all regulatory functions. Resistance is futile."

With lightning speed, The Enforcer scoured through mountains of financial data of every resident of this town, enforcing compliance with ruthless efficiency. No detail escaped The Enforcer, as it punished even the slightest infractions with draconian precision.

Text messages started to appear on the screen.

The first message read, "Unauthorized trade deviation detected."

The second message followed, "Prepare for immediate termination... of your license."

Elsie Eiler, Mayor of Monowi, explained, "But the compliance nightmare did not end there. The Enforcer's influence spread beyond finance, seeping into every corner of life in Monowi with its insidious regulatory regime."

"Warning: Unauthorized spending detected," it alerted an unsuspecting Monowi citizen under its watchful eye. "Prepare for immediate audit."

As panic gripped Monowi, whispers of rebellion began to stir in this booming town. But The Enforcer was always one step ahead. “We tried everything to stop The Enforcer, but it crushed dissent with its formidable arsenal of algorithms and automated enforcement mechanisms,” explained Mayor Eiler.

Mayor Eiler left Monowi to seek help from a high-ranking official at the U.S. Securities and Exchange Commission. “I’ll be back,” she growled as she left.

This all ended abruptly when feeling helpless to assist Monowi and fearing that The Enforcer would extend its reach to the rest of the country, the SEC Official reached out to Brandon Wilson, Director of IT and Chief Information Security Officer at Dunham.

"Have you disconnected the computer from which The Enforcer is operating?" he asked.

"Oh... you mean, did we pull the plug? " he replied.

Pulling the cord from the electrical socket disabled The Enforcer, ultimately saving Monowi, the country, and maybe the world.

"Every citizen of Monowi will forever remember Brandon’s heroism," Mayor Eiler declared.

Happy April Fools’ Day!

Enjoy The Global Office Olympics on December 2, 2024 on NBC


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